From the manuscript
Excerpts
Selected excerpts from the completed memoir Shot on Video.
These are actual passages from the memoir, offering a glimpse into
the people, culture, and unexpected moments that shaped the story.
The Prologue
Orange County, 1982
I had no single introduction to sex—no single turning point from innocence to experience—only layers that built on each other over time. I don’t think anyone can be reduced to a simple explanation—the kind people reach for when they talk about porn or the people in it to find an “aha!” moment that says it was inevitable. We’re all shaped by what we see, what we learn, what we survive. For me, there were early layers of exposure to sex in a way that made it feel intriguing rather than taboo. Most people would be aghast—horrified even. Today they might call it grooming.
“For me, there were early layers of exposure to sex in a way that made it feel intriguing rather than taboo.”
Getting In
The Valley, 1985
Margold helping me get into Showdown obviously didn’t satisfy my desire to do hardcore. This wasn’t about being an actress, as if I’d be happy just to have my face in any movie. I wanted to do porn—to be part of “the family.” Several months later, he let me be an extra in an honest-to-goodness sex movie, Satania. He wanted me to be absolutely certain this was what I wanted.
I still wasn’t dazzled by all the lights and equipment as he thought I would be. I had worked in a studio and been in theater as a kid. The only thing that was unusual was the people milling about in various stages of undress. It was like a party—except for the nudity (but that depends on the kind of parties you go to).
“It was like a party—except for the nudity (but that depends on the kind of parties you go to).”
The Dinner Party
The Valley, 1994
After more discussion, I found out Jack told Barry and Linda a long time ago. They were probably wondering when I was going to bring it up so they could ask questions. I was making an effort not to bring it up because I spoke openly about it with Jack. Once it was out in the open, the usual questions arose: How many movies did you make? Did you make a lot of money? What about AIDS? I answered them by rote and the evening became less like a dinner party and more like a personal appearance. I found myself in “Brandy Mode,” minding my public manners, consciously giving equal attention to each person, especially to Linda (because the guys were nearly 100% focused on me), and having absolutely no fun whatsoever.
“I found myself in ‘Brandy Mode,’ ... consciously giving equal attention to each person, ... and having absolutely no fun whatsoever.”
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